my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
