Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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