Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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