So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
