Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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