dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
