I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
