i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
