We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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