I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
