Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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