Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
