is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
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She's like a pop up book from hell.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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