I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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