dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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