It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
