i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
