yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
