My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
