saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
