hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
