I wish I could teleport
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You may now shotgun with the bride
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
