I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
