is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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