Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my shit smells like andre
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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