FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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