Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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