Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
