Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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