Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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