I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
