I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
