Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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