I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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