so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you never un-have a 4some
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
