she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
