I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
