is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
