you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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