I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
