saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
