It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
