Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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