you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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