did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
