Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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