Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
