are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
