I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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