3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
