I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
