I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
