I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
