I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
